Cliche'
by The General Electric
Summary: Start with one part Cliche, mix in an attempt to make redeemable characters out of the cast and just a dash of misplaced humour and a pinch of domestic conspiracy and drown that puppy in Sakura hate. Because it's just that kind of Cliche.
1. Prologue: Here Be Cliche's

**PROLOGUE**

You can never tell just how heavy a man is till he's dead to the world. Because then, his body will sag and you've got to lift his him and fight against gravity weighing him down at the same time.

Now add your own fatigue, stabbing pains in your everywhere, a scar where you had a hole through your right lung not 20 minutes ago, and you've got possibly the worst, most painful 20km stumble back to your village.

"Sakura better damn well appreciate this."

* * *

SMACK!

My nose is now broken. Oh well give it 5 minutes and it'll be back to normal in no time.

Sometimes I fear I may be too detached from my own pain to be healthy.

"YOU HURT MY SASUKE-KUN YOU DEMON!"

Oh fate you cruel merciless bitch, you.

* * *

The room smells like old cabbage, somehow. I doubt it's actual old cabbage, and more so a mixing of the smell of self-important assholes. That's what this council is, at least the civilian side and those three relics, Danzo, Homura and Kohara.

Must be some pointy poles up their bums.

And now I want to throw up. Joy.

Now I admit, logically Danzo doesn't really hate me, he just wants me weak and hated so he can easily turn me towards his little ROOT force. He approached me once, I called pedophile and Kakashi, then known to me as Inu, took him away, might have even chuckled a bit, not to sure.

Anyway… Saru-Ojisan's old teammates are out for their best interests and no others, and because of that the civilian's have far too much control within the workings of Konoha's Shinobi forces.

Therefore, when it comes to me, those spiteful bastards throw logic straight out the window, thus my childhood and this;

"I'm sorry, I think I have something crazy in my ear, what did you say?"

A fat, balding, civilian, stood up and sneered in that, ever so arrogant, condescending tone of voice I've been hearing from everyone that isn't a Hokage, Sannin, ANBU, Iruka Sensei, Hinata-chan, or Sasuke all my life. You know, the logical people.

"You, _boy,_ are hereby banished from Konohagakure no Sato, for brutalizing the last Uchiha. You have 3 hours to leave these gates and _never _return unless _invited_. Also as compensation for the damage you have done you will gift your sword to Uchia-Sama"

"CHA! That's right Demon, now give me that sword so I can give it to Sasuke-Kun!"

Oh yeah, did I mention she was here?

A cacophony. That's really the only way I can describe the outrage from the Shinobi side of the council.

They were outvoted concerning my banishment, but to a Shinobi, his weapons are his pride.

To see Civilian's demand a Shinobi's weapon is tantamount to me pissing in Kami's face and expecting not to be smote.

But again, like hell I was giving them '_Wrath_' in the first place. I found it fair and square.

"So let's see if I have this straight, I'm being banished for beating on the last Uchiha, a fellow Konoha nin, who went rogue, out to join our biggest traitor since his Ancestor Madara, when according to the Konoha Charter, Section 4, subsection A; paragraph 5 Lines 4 through 6 "Should a Shinobi go Rogue, unless otherwise stated, said rogue is to be terminated with the utmost prejudice?"

"STOP YOUR LIES DEMON SCUM!"

"SHANNARO! THAT'S RIGHT! NOW GIVE ME THAT SWORD!"

"Whatever dick cheese, and go fuck yourself with a rusty shuriken Haruno. What you idiots failed to realize is this."

A quick 1-finger salute to the civilians, a two fingered one to Haruno, a respectful bow to the Shinobi and Hokage-Obbasan.

"I'm not even really here. AND I have your Forbidden Scroll. Good day idiots, Shinobi.'

"Hokage-hime, sorry, looks like I can't succeed you after all. I BE NINJA-GOD!"

My Kage Bushin dispels just as Haruno goes to punch it in the jaw and half way to Wind Country I smirk. S Rank Bounty here I come.

What? Jinchuriki of the fox, theft of the forbidden scroll of sealing, AND wounding Sasuke, I think S rank is reasonable.

Okay, I suppose I could settle for A rank, if I must.

* * *

"How are you still walking? I just stabbed you through the lung!"

"Sasuke, Arigato."

"Wha…?"

"You'll… understand soon."

"Understand what? What's going on Naruto. Why are you thanking me? I just shoved a bolt of lighting through your chest. We've been beating on each other for the last 40 minutes. I'm defecting to Orochi-fucking-maru! And you're THANKING ME? WHY?!"

"Because… You've been a good friend Sasuke, a good brother. Please… Protect Konoha… for me."

"What are you talking about? Protect Konoha, I'm _leaving _Konoha. YOU'RE MAKING NO SENSE!"

"No, you're not leaving. When you wake up, go to the place where Itachi sent you 7 years ago."

"Wake u… Wait, how do you know about that?"

"You'll understand."

"Why can't you just…"

"Gogyo Fuin! (Five Elements Seal)

"Ugh… Narut…o…."

The next thing Sasuke knew was the ceiling of the Konoha Shinobi's hospital.

When a doctor had thanked Sasuke for driving away the "Demon Bastard Uzumaki," Sasuke knocked him out and ran to the Hokage's office, demanding to know about Naruto and what had happened to him.

60 minutes, a guilt trip and one crushed ego later, he felt like shit.

Because of him, Naruto was banished… Because of him, his brother's dream had been taken…

His dream? Naruto was a completely different person at the Valley. Assertive and powerful, yet he looked so serene. Like he had been set free.

Sasuke didn't understand why.

"_No, you're not leaving. When you wake up, go to the place where Itachi sent you 7 years ago."_

So that's what he had done.

And there on the shrine that once held the Mangyeko scroll, were 3 scrolls addressed to him.

**To Sasuke-Teme **

**From Naruto Uzumaki**

**Genin**

**To Sasuke**

**From Hiruzen Sarutobi, **

**Jonin, Saindime Hokage**

**To Sasuke**

**From Itachi Uchiha**

**Anbu Captain, Aniki**

"What the hell Naruto?"

* * *

Sand.

I've never hated sand, not even after fighting Gaara and the monstrosity that was the Ichibi; sure, afterwards I had to thoroughly scrub out some uncomfortable places that had become literal deposits of the stuff.

But after 10 minutes in wind country, I'm really starting to reconsider my stance on hating the stuff.

Maybe it's not the sand I should hate, because to do that I'd have to hate Gaara, who's continuously covered in the stuff, and really, I can't bring myself to do that to my fellow Jinchuriki.

So instead I'll hate the concept of desserts.

You hear that Kami? Desserts suck!

…

…

…

Huh no reply… guess there really isn't a God, and if there is, well, bastard don't seem to care about us... or maybe it's just me? Although I think it's just humanity in general.

Desserts being Exhibit A.

Gotta tough it out though, it's for the sake of the plan, and the plan is really, _really_, important.

I just hope I catch up with Gaara soon, otherwise I may just rip this dessert a new hole.

And this close to Suna? Don't want to start an incident.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, dessert's suck.

…

…

…

"100 bottles of sake on the wall, 100 bottles of sake…"

Yeap, I've officially gone insane.

* * *

**  
Saskue-Teme,**

**Sup?**

**Naruto.**

Sasuke's eyes twitched. He wouldn't burn the letter, he wouldn't let his emotions rule him.

**P.S.  
**  
Oh Kami.

If you managed to keep hold of yourself long enough not to reduce this letter to ashes;

Another twitch. He would not burn the letter.

**I congratulate your self-restraint, must be hard to repress your instincts like that;**

Oh yeah, the letter would burn.

**But this isn't actually the entirety of the letter.**

Read Saru-ji's letter next then Itachi's after that's done come back to this one and you'll know what to do.

**Ja ne, Teme.**

Sasuke palmed his face; trust Uzumaki Naruto to complicate things.

* * *

"So Konoha could not abandon its hatred of you?" Gaara spoke in that soft monotone, never wavering, never cracking.

Wish I could ignore puberty like that.

"Nah, the Shinobi have never really hated me, just been wary, I do have the strongest Biju sealed within me after all, as it turns out, the civilian's just outnumber us on the council."

Gaara's nodding his head, his face still devoid of emotion, but the sand surrounding us is starting to churn, ever so slightly.

He was pissed.

I turned to his siblings, Temari was cracking her fists, hands drifting towards her fan ever so slightly and Kankuro was flexing his fingers, chakra building in the tips..

To think, they wish to hurt the council, for me!

Oh look I'm blushing.

* * *

**Because I _re_ally don't have enough on my plate as it is...**

**Don't worry, **Ninja Yarn, Playing with Reality **and** Four Front War **are still going, this is just a small little plot bunny that popped into my head. **  
**Anyway I'm not going to be working to dilligently on this, but if you want permission to use any of the main points I've given (**Sarutobi Itachi and Naruto with their plan**) or hell, if you just want to use this chapter as a starting point, PM me and a breif outline of where you want to take it and you can, so long as you give credit where credit's due and don't try to claim this as yours.**

**Anywho, Jordan Out!**


	2. Logs, Card Games and So Much Sand

**Naruto is not mine, Kishimoto owns it. Unfortunately. Was Expecting Epic Gaara fight, and what do I get?  
Omoi... Go FUCK YOUSELF KISHI!**

**Well, yes. Not mine, don't sue.  
****Love You Kishi.****  
On with the Show.  
**

* * *

**Itachi's Log. Shinobi Year 549.**

Pocky supply is running dangerously low, thanks to Kisame, saw him sneak some of the strawberry last night, but decided not to call him out, it's good for his self esteem if he believes he can get past my eyes.

Even though he can't.

It does mean we'll have to bump up our supply run by a week, and delay the capture of Ro... I mean the Gobi Jinchuriki by a week.

I'm sure Leader-sama will understand. Madara... not so much.

Great. It seems Na... ugh... the Kyubi Jinchuriki, remember Itachi, stay aloof, rubbed off on me more than I thought. That isn't good.

Speaking of the Kyubi Jinchuriki, movements have him abandoning Konoha, shortly following my foolish little brother's attempt to defect.

Oh, right. Screw what Madara wants, next time I see Orochimaru, I'm going to skin him like the Snake he wishes he was.

Wonderful, more of Naru... the _Kyubi Jinchuriki_, rubbing off on me.

Leader-sama has a tail on him, he seems to be more powerful than anticipated, at least according to the tail. But most any Jonin or up Shinobi of Konoha could have told them that.  
_  
I _could have told them that.

But no, Leader-sama and _Tobi_ know best.

I have to go now, Kisame looks bored, and when he gets bored he bothers me, and I can't have him see my journal.

Mangyekou or not, he'd never be scared of me again if he knew I had something even remotely related to a diary.

Even though, it totally isn't.

Ugh, damn it Naruto!

* * *

I suppose the name should have made it obvious. In fact it did, I was expecting this, but still.

"Why is there so much Goddamn SAND?" Oh I really hope that sounded better out loud than in my head.

"The place is called Suna, what the hell did you expect Gaki-Ninja?" Oh she's underestimating me. I mean, I can understand that I guess, after all, I haven't really done much to get me on the radar, I just beat her insane Jinchuriki brother while he was possessed by Shukaku... oh wait a minute.

Doesn't matter, she'll see. Everyone will see.

Unless they're blind, then they'll just hear.

What was I saying again?

I don't know, oh hey, ramen stand, awesome. Time to introduce Gaara, to the wonders of sweet brothy goodness that is, Miso Noodles with my namesake on top.

* * *

"So, this is all you do in here?" The once again youthful Hokage asked incredulously.

"Well I didn't do anything for 13 years apparently, feels longer, but that's what solitary confinement does to a guy, especially when you have nothing to entertain you but a pack of cards and your own penis. But hey! I'm not alone anymore, so I say again Sarutobi. Go. Fish."

Sarutobi sighed as his successor to the Red Kage Hat talked, 13 years alone seemed to be quite a bit detrimental to the stability of a man's mind. He didn't remember Namikaze Minato to be anywhere near as insane as his progeny, but apparently it was buried in there somewhere.

"This is the man who succeeded you Saru?" The Nidaime Hokage, Tobirama, chuckled; "Seriously?"

And in front of his Teachers and Predecessors. Wonderful.

"Yes, this is Minato, the Yondaime... but in my defense, he had a much better grasp on his sanity before his soul was devoured by the Shinigami and he spent 13 years with no one but himself for company." Hiruzen sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"It also helps that I slaughtered half of Iwa's Shinobi force within the span of a single, solitary, individual, lonely minute." Minato piped up with a happy cheer.

"Really?" Hashirama, the Shodai Hokage asked, intrigue drenching his words. "What kind of technique could inflict such devastation? Fire? Wind? Earth? Water? Lightning?"

"Nope. I just flashed them my spiraling balls."

Somehow, the empty white space with no ambient noise whatsoever became even quieter, for a second at least.

"BLACKJACK! SUCK IT BITCHES!"

'_I bet Naruto and Itachi don't have to deal with insanity like this._'

* * *

"Hey Itachi?"

"Yes Kisame?

"Can I kill that old guy?"

Itachi started suddenly as he turned towards where he was pointing. What he found confused him, Genjutsu perhaps? No, his Sharingan was on. Alright, he was now intrigued.

"Kisame?"

"Yeah Itachi?"

"You want to kill that old man?"

"Oh yeah."

"The old man in the wheelchair?"

"Ayup."

"The old man in the wheelchair, who just wet himself, Kisame?"

"Yeah that guy."

Averting his gaze, so he could compose the disbelief off his face, he spoke one word.

"Why?"

"I don't like people who are different."

Okay, this time he very nearly lost his composure.

"You're 6ft tall, blue and have gills, you have zero room to talk about people being different."

"I meant different than me." Kisame replied, as if he were talking to a five year old. "Sharks are after all the Master Race. The only reason I don't try to kill you, is because I know you'd hang me from a tree with my own intestines"

"I thank you for your... generosity. But even so, you may not kill the old, incontinent man in the wheelchair."

"...Aw man." Kisame pouted, scuffing his sandel against the ground, looking as every bit kicked puppy that he could muster, being the aforementioned 6ft tall blue shark man. "Well have you _at least _reconsidered joining the Master Race of Shark People? We got our own union now."

"No Kisame. Union or not, my answer is still a very emphatic **no**." Itachi drawled, Mangyeko glare added in for good measure.

"Aw c'mon, 'tachi. I'm pretty sure your Sharingan would stay intact, and I'm like 50% sure it won't mutate."

Gritting his teeth Itachi just sped up, fingernails digging into his palms. _'Will not kill idiot. Will not kill idiot. Will not kill idiot.'_

"Hey, hey Itachi! Wait up! Don't leave me with all these Air Breathers! Itachi, c'mon. Itachi?"

_'Will not kill idiot. Will not kill Idiot."__  
_

* * *

"ACHOO!" Oh man, someone must be talking about me. Shame about the ramen I sneezed out though. All over the floor in a great noodly mess. Mixing in with the sand... ugh. Not cool.

"Uzumaki?"

Oh yeah, 1 hour in Suna and I've already got Gaara matching my pace in the devouring of God's Noodly Treat. Maybe it's a Jinchuriki thing?

"Yeah Gaar?"

"Was cardinal rule number 1 of Ramen "Waste not for thou shalt be punished with pain on the face?"

Oh... shit. I forgot I told him that, but damn, to think he's already memorized the cardinal rules, go Gaara.

"...um, possibly." This is going to hurt isn't it?

Oh hey, look, more sand...

"Fuck."

* * *

Well, I can safely say I will no longer whine about dealing with deserts. Having an entire sandpit shoved into your face at speed enough to leave it completely black 'n' blue is far worse. But there is 1 good thing to come out of this.

I have converted another to the Church of Ramen.

My face isn't too happy about it though.

"So you are Uzumaki Naruto?"

Huh, oh right, I'm meeting with Suna's council now. Just as old and just as crusty as Konoha's. Difference is they don't look like a bunch of self important assholes. In fact, they seem to care about the well being of their Village and their Country.

Go figure.

"I am."

"You are the one who defeated Gaara during the... invasion?"

The man is looking mildly uncomfortable now, the whole Council actually, not to mention the shuffling ANBU hiding in the shadows.

"Yes, that's me. Is there a point to this, Councilman?"

"There is, we... we wish to thank you."

Okay... not what I was expecting. They just keep defying the norm set by Konoha.

"Thank me for what?"

He shifts his eyes to the rest of the Council, a good majority are looking nervous, others just appear angry, their raging glares burning into me. Like a focused beam of light onto an ant. Huh, I'm poetic today, oops talking again, my bad.

"...ou for helping Gaara get over his hatred and bloodlust." Oh, they're thanking me for that. Huh, I'm cool with that. "We had realized a long time ago, our actions regarding him may have been er..."

"Stupid, brainless, deficiant, dense, dim, doltish, dopey, dull, dumb, foolish, half-baked, half-witted..."

"Yes, yes. Those."

Damn, I had like 10 more as well.

"To create a weapon, housing 1 of the most powerful demons in existence, I can understand the desire, being one of the big 5." I nodded wisely, like a Sage. "But then to abuse and attempt to murder said container, pretty much guaranteeing his hate and spite probably wasn't one of your _smartest_ moves."

He sighed, tired and worn out, wonder if it's because he's just had his mistakes rubbed in his face, or from dealing with me. Both have been known to cause similar reactions.

"As I said, we realized that fact a long time ago Uzumaki-san. A lot of us sooner than later. But by then, it was far too late, and Gaara had already descended into the madness you became acquainted with."

Acquainted. I suppose that's one way of putting it.

"Since the end of the Chunin exams, Gaara has been helping organize the village, and he has already found several ways to bring in new missions, and already we are pushing out an average of 10 more missions a day then we were prior to the... invasion."

Oh silly man, still worried about bringing up the invasion. Ah well, plenty of time to guilt him later, for now, it was time to bring Suna in on the PLAN! At least their part in it.

Have I mentioned the plan yet? It's very important, that Plan of ours.

* * *

**Wow, wow, wow. An update? Seriously? And on your only non-reviewed piece of literature Jordan? Fuck me.**

**So yeah, hi. No not dead. Just not really been motivated to type up... well, anything, really. At _all._ No excuses, no blame games. Just couldn't be fucked.**

**Well that and Plot walled. Might need to start some rewrites to get **Four Front War**, **Ninja Yarn** and **Playing With Reality** anywhere plot wise... sigh, sigh, sigh.**

**Also, yes, Naruto is _incredibly_ ADHD here, just as he was in the beginning of canon. It won't be as pronounced once we reach Shippuden, but it'll still be there.  
**

**Gonna go punch a wall now, remember criticism is appreciated. Flamers will be ignored. The Plan is Trademarked Jordan B. 2010.  
**

**Peace out.**

**PS - Go check out Durarara! Now!**


	3. The Rocky Horror Ninja Show

**Insert Witty Disclaimer Denying all Ownership of  
Naruto and it's Affiliates Here.  
Also of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Rocky Horror Ninja Show**

* * *

Suna was easy.

There is no two ways about it. I wanted something, and they needed to suck up to the future of Konoha, after all, my defection is Sandaime certified. Dead or not, that basically provides my uber immunity within the Village of Leaves, a very handy little thing to have.

And as such, Suna was easy.

Iwa however...

"Speak quick _blonde_." Amazing how someone can make the word blonde sound like a horrifically insulting word. "My arm grows stiff holding my knife to your spine, I might just slip if you aren't careful."

"Good to know Guy. You didn't ask a question though."

I hear the guy's teammates chuckling. Oh, he's pressing in the knife, I can hear his teeth grinding too, apparently this guy doesn't take well to being humiliated in front of his teammates. Surprising, always thought Iwa said fuck it to Teamwork and just sent you out on your lonesome. Apparently lil' ol' me was wrong. "Shut up! What business could scum, possibly have in Mighty Iwagakure no Sato?"

Ego much?

Iwa isn't that great of a place, hell, the country of Tsuchi no Kuni is nothing like I imagined, Mountains and Rock Quarries everywhere, that's what I had seen in my head.

But it's just a big open slab of rock. Nothing but gray as far as the eye can see.

Not even a single hilly incline.

Goddamn it even Kaze no Kuni was better than this and that was nothing but sand. Jesus, is one tiny little rock quarry so much to ask?

Goddamnit Tsuchi no Kuni blows so many chunks. 

* * *

I take it back. Tsuchi no Kuni is AWESOME! Well, it's Hidden Village at least.

If it wasn't borderline Treason, I'd say Iwagakure was even better than Konoha. But it is, so Iwa was just a close second. And if it wasn't borderline Treason, I'd still rank Tsuchi no Kuni second. That endless expanse of grey really lost the game for the Rock Movers.

Iwagakure was hidden within a cluster of giant boulders, which I suppose isn't really _hidden, _because it's the only solitary feature in the whole damn country, which then lead down into a series of caves further underground. It was most everything I'd dreamt of and just a bit more.

Also, you know how Konoha has the Hokage Mountain? The faces of Hokages, past and present, etched into the mountain side, looking down on Konoha. Iwa has their Kage sculpted into the goddamn gates, Shodai and Nidaime on each side of the gates (left to right respectively) with the Sandaime standing on the arch of the gate.

Once again I say, Iwagakure is awesome, oh hey, Angry Guy has realised I'm awake, oh Kunai to the back of the neck are not so much fun.

The following unconsciousness is just average.

* * *

Oonoki of the Twin Scales, Sandaime Tsuchikage of Iwagakure no Sato, stared at the prisoner Kurotsuchi's squad had bought in.

It was hard to believe, when he had first heard the report, he figured it was just Kurotsuchi's burning hatred of anything blonde that had confused her. She really hated anything that reminded her of her father's killer.

But, no. There, strapped to the iron cross, as impossible as it seemed, was the spitting image of Namikaze Minato, the Yondaime Hokage.

"So you had a son, did you Minato?" the aging Kage chuckled. "Let us see if he's inherited your spirit."

* * *

Sarutobi sighed as he watched Minato demonstrate the Rasengan to their fellow Hokage.

"So you see? Swirling Balls of Doom, trademarked by the way Tobirama so don't even think about it." He shot suddenly, in the middle of his sentence.

"But what good would stealing it do?" Tobirama muttered stunned. "I mean, there's nothing here, for eternity. No one to market it to."

"Yeah you just keep thinking that." Turning back to Hashirama he continued. "Anyway, I had this Jutsu I used alongside Rasengan that teleported me immediately to a seal, with my Minions dropping the Kunai all over the battlefield I managed to rout the enemy forces."

Hashirama nodded awestruck. "That is amazing; I can see why Sarugaki named you Hokage."

"Really? So you know about the necklace huh? Is that how you decided Sarutobi-oyaji would be Hokage? The whole cursed necklace thing?"

"I'm... sorry?"

"Damn right you are." Minato declared valiantly. Before scrunching up his face in confusion. "Err... sorry for what?"

Sarutobi sighed. This was going to be a long, long eternity.

* * *

Man, waking up cold is not fun. Waking up with neck pain and shirtless tied to a cold Iron surface is not fun.

Wait, I take that back. Given the right situation, all of those things could make for a_ lot _of fun.

I blink slowly; need to get some focus into the blurry figures in front of me.

Shit.

I'm about to be raped. By a midget. An old midget.

I'm about to be raped by an old, paedophilic midget that resembles the Garden gnomes I once saw in the Yamanaka flower shop.

Double Shit.

"Well, well. You boy, you are an interesting find."

Oh man, as if this wasn't bad enough he's going to try and chat me up? This is a nightmare.

"To think, that someone like you would exist... it boggles the mind."

Oh god, I'm confusing his penis? Jesus this day sucks. Guess I should interrupt.

"Look, sir, I'm sure, once upon a time you were a dashing man, really, but I just don't swing that way, and I really don't like the idea of being raped by an old man, I mean it's cool, if that's what you're into, not judging and I'm not sure if that's the norm here in Iwa or not..." Jesus, I'm rambling. Is this what I do when I'm about to be molested, ramble? Is that my precedent?  
"But where I'm from that shit is not cool." Wow, I stunned him silent. Awesome, maybe it's a bloodline.

The ability to repel paedophiles with my words. Kind of a stupid bloodline, I mean it would be useful for, what? 15, 16 years? Would rather have the Uchiha Pink Eye, then at least I'd be able to hypnotise them into letting me go.

Huh, the Gnome seems familiar, where have I seen him before?

* * *

Ryubenten Kurotsuchi, granddaughter of the Sandaime Tsuchikage looked on in pure apoplectic rage.  
_'How DARE he? That tree fucker not only has the balls to call me a boy, but he would accuse Oyaji of being a paedophile?'_  
Biting down on her tongue, she pressed herself further into the corner. Her grandfather had stated not to make a move without the ANBU sign for subdue, so she didn't _move_. She held her anger back, eventually she'd be able to hurt him, make that son of a bitch pay.

Her father's killer might be long dead, but his son was alive and well.

'_Not for long.'_ She promised herself. _'Not for fucking long.'  
_

* * *

Oonoki couldn't help it. He really couldn't.

He knew He should've been angry with the boy. He knew his ANBU would neverlet him live it down. He _knew_ that he really shouldn't. He should've been able to hold it in, he was the Thrice Damned Tsuchikage. But the mere idea, was so absurd, so unexpected, that he couldn't stop it. Before he knew it, he had let it out.

He laughed.

He laughed harder than he had in years, a raspy wizened laugh. The boy was stuck in a torture cell, in the deepest levels of the Iwa tunnel system, and he had accused Oonoki of wanting to Sexually abuse him? Oh dear Lord, that was too much. Getting his chuckles under control and ignoring Kurotsuchi's incredulous gaze burning the back of his head, he turned to the boy, who looked as equally incredulous.

"The Tsuchikage's a goddamn Pedophile?"

* * *

Hmmm, the Rapey Gnome is laughing now. I think that's a bad thing. I guess I don't have the ability to word off Child Molesters. That's good I guess, like I said, stupid ability.

But why is he so goddamn familiar? I could swear I've seen that face before, that overly large nose... but where?

Wait. No, no it can't be. There is no _way_ the Gnome standing in front of me has any relation to the statue I saw standing above the gates of Iwagakure no Sato. (Which has dropped a few places in my list of best Villages, due to the culture of socially acceptable child molestation)

His laughs are dying down, and I'm doing the best to deny what's standing in front of my face, but every fibre of my being is screaming otherwise.

"The Tsuchikage's a goddamn Paedophile?"

* * *

**CLICHE CHAPTER 3 IS COMPLETE!**

**First of, I apologise to all those who are offended by the nature of this chapter, I did rate it as M, but even I'm surprised I dropped my brow to Pedophile jokes.**

**Hopefully the chapter doesn't drag on too long and you guys enjoyed it.**

**The Necklace thing that Minato brings up is a gag created by Sarah1281, in which for the first time in history 2 people actually wanted the position of Hokage, and to get it they had to wear Tsunade's necklace, which as we all know is cursed.**

**I forget the stories name, but will find it and post the link next chapter.**

**Anyway, Critique and Review as always.  
**


	4. Konoha Ninja Underground: The Beginining

**Chapter 4: Konoha Ninja Underground  
**  
Admittedly, looking back on it now, openly blurting out 'The Tsuchikage is a Paedophile' in front of a contingent of Iwa ANBU, question or not, was not the best way to go about things.

"Enjoying your accommodations, Namikaze rat?"

"Shackled to a wall and guarded by a sweet lady such as you, how can I not be?"

Man they love riddling my body with sharp pointy things. The poison coated pointy implements of death now lodged (newly) into my torso and legs are starting to burn and steam. It's a new kind of pain, something unlike all the physical beatings I've dealt with, mostly at the hands of Itachi or Jiraiya. Hell, god forbid Saru-sama have a bad day and summon Enma and riddle my ass with large round adamantium staff marks, but that was all basic physical pain. Well, there was that one time with Itachi and Tsukuyomi in the days leading up to the Massacre, but that's a special kind of pain, almost incomparable.

I, however, have never had the pleasure of experiencing so many different kinds of soldering pains in such quick succession, while remaining fully aware.

"Argh… man you have one hell of a sadistic streak in you. So many poisons, and not a hallucegen or sedative among them." I bite back a scream as a wave of fresh pain wracks my body, teeth digging into my bottom lip. "Little cruel… don't you think Iwa-Chan?"

She smirks. Oh I'm growing to hate that smirk. "You think this is cruel little Rat. I haven't even started with the cruelty yet." A key came out of a pouch on her thigh, and if I wasn't so scared, my eyes may have started drifting, but her mouth twisted in a wicked smirk, the key sliding into the cell's lock.

"What are you doing?"

I was right, oh goddamn it she's a natural born sadist. I see it in her eyes as her wrist turns, the clicking of the lock echoing around the tunnel, the old metal door squeaks open, and she starts towards me, each step measured and slow.

"Isn't it obvious konoyairo?" The large machete she draws of her waist glints dangerously in the orange torchlight and I think I actually hear my testicles shrivel up in fear as she taps the almost sword like blade against her hip.

She stops, right in front of me, the blades edge resting against my throat, the rage and anger she's held for that ass wipe father of mine all these years so crystal clear at this distance. So much rage, it scares me more than even the looming threat of Itachi's cloud cloaked organization. "I want to hear you scream."

-/-

**Itachi's Log Shinobi Year 549, Day 267**

Right now, and for the last week I've been somewhat miffed. If I were anyone else, I'm sure I'd be foaming at the mouth.

You see, there's a boy, his name is Naruto, and he is a target of the organization I work for, a holder of the 9 Tailed Demon Fox, the Kyubi no Kitsune.

He's also my only living ally in the world, my only student. And the little shit has gone and gotten himself locked up in the one country that wants him dead more than my Organization.

Worst of all, he went in there willingly, completely aware of the risks.

And now, I've had to create an excuse not only to get away from Kisame, but at the same time I've had to keep an eye over my shoulder at all times, just to make sure I'm not being followed by a Zetsu or two.

And finally, I need to break into one of the most well-fortified villages on the continent, undetected, and then break out again, once again, undetected.

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just let the Akatsuki have him and be rid of a massive, possibly coronary inducing headache.

And then I remember that doing so would condemn humanity to a world ruled by Tobi.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't… Sometimes I hate my life.

-/-

Oh man, I hate this pain, clawing my way out of unconsciousness, I wake to a scene that I wasn't quite prepared to see.

"Itachi, why are you molesting my captor?" I ask curiously, not sure whether this is real or just a concussion based hallucination.

"One second Naruto, I need to deal with this one first." He mutters waving me away.

"Did you Tsukuyomi her?" I ask a disapproving tone in my voice, probably not for Iwa-chan's welfare; fuck that bitch, mainly because of Itachi's declining eyesight.

"Possibly..." He mutters again, throwing her hogtied body at my feet.

"That was stupidly needless of you."

"This whole thing was stupidly needless." Itachi growled out before moving toward me and burying his fist straight into my injury riddled torso. Fuck, I forgot how hard he could throw a punch. "And it could have all been avoided if you had just listened to me in the first goddamn place!"

"That was rather emotional of you." I wheeze out as Itachi shatters the chains holding me up. "I'd like to think that's my influence on you." I laugh out, rolling my neck and stretching out my arms.

"Yes. It clings to me like a leech." Man Itachi's snarky today. Wait a minute, if Itachi is here…

"So… Kisame is where?"

Itachi starts, his eyes widen, as if he just realized he'd left the Biju with no Tail all alone with no one to curb the shark man's murderous tendencies and I start to wonder if my teacher is really as smart as he's hyped to be.

"Somewhere in Mizu." He says carefully, his back to me.

"Mizu?" I parrot back aghast. "As in the one county in the world, where he's a more wanted criminal than you?"

He's fidgeting now. It's what he does when he's unsure about something he's done, I don't think he does it whenever he's unsure, only when he's around me, and even then only when we're talking in private, might've been a time when he let his guard done in front of Sasuke too, maybe that's all I am to Itachi. A stand in for Sasuke, the one person Itachi is prepared to die for.

"I suppose I should hurry back before he draws too much attention to himself." Hmm. Probably too late for that I think with a chuckle. "I can't be found here, so your further escape is all on you now. I would appreciate it if you can cause as much chaos as possible, make my own escape all the more easier." Oh the bastards smirking, he gets to walk out quietly while I have to fight off the Iwa contingent of bastards they call Shinobi.

"Yeah sure, why not?" I roll my eyes, taking Iwa-chan's big ass knife away from her. I don't really believe she should be trusted with such sharp and pointy things, least she poke someone's eye out, hmm… wherever he is that sentence just made Kakashi sneeze. "Talk to you later Itach…"

Oh great, the cell's empty, just me and Iwa-chan now. He probably erupted into crows while I wasn't watching. "And not even a proper goodbye? Dick."

-/-

It was a good day to be Tsuchikage, Oonoki mused, sipping on a saucer of rice country sake.

Mission rates were up, the kill grade of the average Genin in his village was on the climb and, most importantly, the son of his most hated arch-nemisis was being held in chains down in the prison tunnels.

Yep, life was good and nothing could ruin it.

-/-

"Clones 1 through 25 reporting for duty, sir!"

"Clones 26 through 50 ready and willing, sir!"

"Clones 51 through 75 awaiting your signal, sir!"

"Clones 76 through 100 prepared and rabid, sir!"

Man, clones are awesome, for me at least. I think, for a long time to come, Iwa Shinobi are going to hold a complex for Shadow Clones. Hopefully, if I have anything to say about it.  
My eyes scan the smirking masses, squashed together in this dank hellhole Iwa calls a prison system. I raise my hand, the apprehension is thick, the silence palpable, my desire to stick a bitch or two with sharp pointy metal things multiplied by 100.

"Let slip the dogs of war gentleman."

My hand drops, a rousing 'Hurrah!' is my reply, and my Shadow Clone Army, designated "Orange Hell," is on the move.

-/-

**Sorry for the wait, but nothing good ever comes from me rushing a chapter.**

**I know some wish this was **Kidpool** or even **Reality**, but sorry, you're gonna have to deal with **Cliché**.**

**Until next update, Jordan out.**


	5. Konoha Ninja Underground 2

**Konoha Ninja Underground 2  
Ruining Your Day like Only an Uzumaki Can**

* * *

Takashi Shirosama had lived in Iwa all his life, so when a Shinobi had dropped a stack of ryo into his hands to turn the other way, it was nothing new.  
Probably some fresh Chuunin who felt bigger than he was, off to beat a free meal out of a shopkeep, or something.

So imagine his surprise when that same Shinobi ran past him again, no screams of pain nor agony left in his wake. Shrugging his shoulders, he went back to sweeping his store front, only to stop again as the Shinobi ran past him again, this time with a group of other Shinobi dressed exactly as he was, with the same shade of blonde hair…

Wait a minute, blonde hair?

People in Iwa just didn't have blonde hair, and if they did the parents would dye it, no one wishing to hold onto any reminders of the bitter thrashing dealt out to them by the Yondaime Hokage during the 3rd Ninja War, and all the deaths that went alongside it. No Iwa Shinobi would even dare to have blonde hair concealed, let alone brazenly out in the open. Something wasn't right here.

Just as Takashi came to this conclusion, his world turned orange, an explosion throwing him off of his feet.

-/-

Itachi stared down at the sudden explosion from the cusp of the Iwa crater, palming his face in frustration at the sheer attention grabbing nature of it.

It was an obvious ploy, one that any Genin could figure out, especially considering it was a non-lethal. Create a big mess and draw attention, surely they had trained Naruto better than that?

Then there was another explosion, halfway across the village, and another, then another. It seemed Naruto was a little cleverer than he had given him credit for, although in fairness the whole "just waltzing into Iwa" thing had tainted some doubt in the boy. But this was interesting, would there be targets waiting at each site, or had they just disappeared upon completion of their mission.

As the smoke died down, he had to bite back a laugh (Itachi Uchiha does not laugh) at what he saw. Turning away from the village, he did allow himself a smirk.

After all, it wasn't everyday you saw that particular image, superimposed in orange paint, upon the near entirety of Iwagakure no Sato.

-/-

All across the city, blonde haired, orange clad clones of Uzumaki smirked, some waiting on enemy contact, others already locked in mortal combat (not really though, they are just clones after all) creating as much havoc as they could, the Iwa Shinobi out for blood.

What they failed to realise though, was that they wouldn't get it, he wasn't out in the streets with everyone else, he was somewhere far more damaging.

-/-

I expected my little ploy to draw attention, but honestly? To have Oonoki run out so… immediately, I did not expect that. Not to say I'm not thankful though, far from it. It means I have quite a bit more time here in the tower before I need to get the hell out of dodge.

The security seals the old man has on all his stuff is impressive, but Jiraiya he is not. I break a few of them, just mission requests and a couple of antique weapons, which admittedly I consider stealing for a few seconds, but that would just be mean.

And yes, I said that like I haven't just splattered Iwagakure with orange paint, but hey, that's practically my way of saying hello. Just ask Konoha.

Okay, maybe don't do that, I'm not on the best terms with the current regime right now, but still.

I spend 5 more minutes searching for what I need, and I find it, hidden in a false bottom in the old man's desk.

Itachi's clever, really, but he underestimates me. I didn't come to Iwa on a whim after all, I did have a purpose.

Sealing the papers into a hastily drawn seal on my hand, I straighten everything up, takes me about a minute, I've been in here 12 now, and I'm down to 20 clones, it makes me nervous.

Preparing to bolt, I make my way to the window, only to stop.

"Well now, aren't you a brazen little bastard?"

There, _floating_ in front of my escape route is the Tsuchikage, in all his dwarfy glory. There are a lot of things I could say right about now. I could crack a joke, maybe chuck out a 'bring it' or anything really. But looking at his face, the rage actually palpable, I can only find it in me to say one thing.

"Well… fuck."

-/-

And to think, the day had been going so well. It was probably partly his fault; he had practically dared fate to fuck with his day. "Nothing could ruin it?"

Stupid, that's what he was, stupid. You never, ever say that until whatever you're in the middle of doing is over. It was human basics 101, and practically scripture among Shinobi. And he had done it anyway.

Stupid Oonoki, very stupid.

And then, he had made the mistake of going out onto the front lines immediately, before letting his lackeys do the grunt work. What was it about blonde haired Konoha bastards that made him loose his cool?

The fucker had escaped, right under his nose and now he was wreaking havoc throughout his village. Oh he would pay, that he was sure of.

Stopping in the market district, he arrived to see an absolute gaggle of orange (where had he even managed to obtain a brand new shirt in that orange colour in Iwa, he didn't know) locked in a rather furious battle with his shinobi.

The terrifying thing, in Oonoki's opinion at any rate, was that the boy was matching even the occaisional Jonin mixed up in the fighting. Deciding to get in on it, the Sandaime Tsuchikage descended, not even giving the clones enough time to acknowledge what was killing them, just in case he ran into the real one, not wanting the boy to hold any sort of advantage, no matter how fleeting.

Moving from place to place, raining prehistoric hell down on the orange mass, but never catching the real one.

Coming back into his head, its been 7 minutes since he left the tower, and he feels a slight twinge, in a loopback seal he had linked on a security seal, a very specific seal, back in his office.

"...Oh that little shit." Walking into Iwagakure without a care in the world, treating his imprisonment with comedic disinterest... the boy wanted to be here. For this exact reason. Turning away from the battles going on beneath him, he sped towards his tower, not willing to let the clever little shit to leave his village with those particular papers.

Stopping in front of the lone window in his office, he let a smirk stretch over his face as the boy stopped in horror as he spied just who was in front of him.

"Brazen little bastard aren't you?"

The old man took pleasure in the boy's situation, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly before he lets out two words.

"Well... Fuck."

Smirking, Oonoki charged his chakra. It was time for the Namikaze line to die.

-/-

Minato started, the little connection between himself and his son stirring slightly. A blurry image of Iwagakure coming to his mind, and an old man, rage plastered across his face hovering in mid air.

"Oonoki." he bit out with a sigh. "Be careful Naruto, that old bastard won't let you walk away without a fight."

* * *

**Me thinks I'm getting better at this speed thing. (If only slightly)**

**So did you guys enjoy the chapter? We're nearly out of Iwa, and finally we have a cliche battle on out hands, which hopefully isn't quite to cliche, despite the story name.**

**Also, cannon? I think Naruto is finally being treated as a main character. It's about goddamn time really, keep it up Kishi, and I might just forgive you for the early time skip chapters.**

**Anyway till next time, Jordan out.**


	6. Konoha Ninja underground III: Endgame

_Naruto and all its Characters belong to Kishi, I'm just playing with them._

**_-/-_**

**Cliché Chapter 6; Konoha Ninja Underground III; Endgame****  
****-/-**

"Wind style double helix!" Letting loose a ferocious roar, Naruto pointed two fingers straight at the wizened Tsuchikage a double stream of wind letting loose, hoping to catch the old man off guard.

With a derisive sniff, and a curling of his fists, the Tsuchikage knocked both streams to the side with barely any effort.

"Is that all you've got, Kiroi-gaki?"

-/-

Okay, whatever way you slice it that was scary impressive. Double Helix is one of my stronger techniques, and for anyone, Kage or not, to beat it aside like a must mean they have a hell of a wind affinity. It's impressive, but now's not the time I suppose, as I watch him cycle through… two sets of one handed seals?

"Dust Devil; Prehistoric Chaser!"

Well, that's a pretty cube in his hands, nice and smooth, rather bright, is he planning on bludgeoning me with… no he's throwing it? Yeap he's throwing it. Delightful.

-/-

Naruto sprang off the window sill, narrowly dodging the cube. Landing on all fours, his eyes shot up to where he'd been only moments ago as the window he'd been at began dissolving into mist.

"Scared yet Kiroi-gaki?" the old man scared, a cube floating in each of his hands. "This is the hidden style of the Tsuchikage. Dust Devil, Prehistory. It dissolves all it touches, and the Devil has you in its sights Namikaze." Letting fly with another cube, Naruto dodged again, heading for higher ground.

"TOO SLOW!" spinning around, Naruto found the Tsuchikage, charging him with the second cube, too close to dodge, too fast to block, Naruto could only do one thing. Right hand shooting forward to meet the dissolving cube, a blue glow radiating softly.

-/-

"TOO SLOW!"

It's hard to describe, just exactly what I was feeling in that split second reprise I had as the old man charged me, that cube radiating certain death.

It was different than when I was staring down Sasuke and his fledgling Chidori. That was an element I knew, one of the main five.

This Dust History thing though? I had no idea. But it was either this, or certain death. So, I did the one thing I could think of. Charging Chakra into my hand and cocking it back, I charged towards him, the surprise evident on his face as I threw myself towards certain death, apparently uncaring, it took on a look as if I'd just slapped his grandmother's bum as my right hand shot out to meet his cube, a glowing, spinning, blue ball of death raging in my hand.

"RASENGAN!"

-/-

The modest roof tore apart, as the two jutsu of insurmountable power clashed together, tearing up roof tiling and kicking up powerful winds.

"The Rasengan? You truly are his child aren't you?" Oonoki raged over the roaring winds. "Why? Why do you Namikaze keep haunting my village?" the chakra died down, the combatants taking a step back before throwing themselves back into it.

Well the Tsuchikage did at least. "Dust Devil; Prehistoric Impact!"

Naruto dodged again, the old man's jutsu impacting with the ground with a concussive force, knocking the boy head over heels.

Getting back to his feet, he sprang back from another "Prehistoric Impact" keeping himself on his feet this time, he spawned 10 clones to swamp the Tsuchikage sprinting off down the street only to cringe as he felt each clone dispel with bone shattering force.

"Dust Devil; Prehistoric Dragon!"

Spinning around once more, his neck now stiff, he cringed as a giant glowing white dragon charged down the street, everything in its path dissolving.

"Motherfucker!"

Spawning another ten clones Naruto kept running as the clones ran through a sequence of seals, staring down the massive dragon, all 10 of them letting loose a cry.

"Wind Style; Gale Force Hydra!" All of the Naruto copies let out a massive roar, a giant mass of chakra coalescing above them letting loose just as the Tsuchikage's dragon met the clones ten headed beast, resulting in another clash of jutsu, tearing apart the ground and the surrounding buildings. Both Naruto and the old man ignored this as they continued their game of Dragon and goat.

Naruto being the goat.

-/-

20 Minutes Later

Kami fucking damn it, I hate this man!

I can't do this much longer this bastard's nearly burnt me down to the end of my chakra. I wasn't even aware my chakra had an end.

Fuck me sideways.

He's just playing with me now, as I run and run and run, unable to do anything else really, earth dissolves in explosions inches from where I step, squares of shiny, glowing death flowing past my head, inches away from taking my face.

I wonder what would happen if it hit my head? Would my entire body dissolve, or just everything from the neck down? Ah well, suppose that's a question I'll never get the answer for, not without wasting a Shadow Clone, and right now I can't afford that, each and every clone precious, leading me to where I need to be to best a Kage.

-/-

Oonoki smirked. Not just a small one either, he Smirked, with a capitol S and everything.

The Namikaze kid had proven a troublesome little rat, annoying just as his father before him, although maybe not quite on that same scale.

But now he had crashed, worn out from 20 minutes locked in a Kage level battle, which was 19 more than others on the kid's level.

Oh well, he would play with his food a little longer, safe in the knowledge that the Rat had no chance of escape.

If only he had known the name of the boy's mother, he would have never given Naruto the chance, because the one rule held in higher regard among Shinobi than 'don't tempt fate' was 'don't underestimate an Uzumaki.'

-/-

Nearly there, 800 meters, 700 meters, 600…

I'm so glad that Jiraiya taught me how to do what I'm about to do.

My final Shadow Clone goes up in smoke, courtesy of a rather concussive of flash of white; I'll consider it a good life if I never have to see that flash again.

Dodging another square o' death, I land where my Shadow Clone was not moments ago, stopping and falling one knee, the blood I need to trigger my escape, pretty much gushing out of my arm and onto the barely visible seal that signals the circles center.

"Well, it seems we're done here Kiroi-Gaki, it was a very nice try, if I wasn't so pissed I might even be impressed." Man, Pedo-gnome (That's his name now) just doesn't get it, nobody gets it. "But alas, our game of tag must end, unfortunately for you, that means your death." He's shaking his head now, as if he's apologetic, the bastard.

"Four words for you, Oonoki-pedo." I growl, my face actually aching from the width of my smirk. Or maybe that's just pain from being battered about all over Iwa. "The paint isn't random."

I watch his eyes widen in realisation, as the orange paint covering his village begins to glow, individual symbols lost within it coming out in force, the symbol of the Uzumaki glowing over the village that destroyed them. Poetic justice, I think that's called.

He's moving to form another one of his squares of dissolving death but it's too late, that's the beauty of this seal, once it starts it can't stop.

And boy has it started.

"Don't blink you tough old bastard." I laugh as my vision starts to blur, and I collapse to my other knee. Heh, the blood loss is kicking in while the adrenaline is wearing off. I can feel sweet Mommy unconsciousness clawing at my brain already. "Don't blink… Pedokage-san, don't blink or you'll miss it."

He tosses the square, aimed straight for me, with a feral, almost rabid look on his face. It's fast, more so than any others he's let off with today, but it's already too late for him; I've already disappeared, with a yellow flash.

-/-

In a small non-descript Ramen Stand in the south of Lightning Country, Itachi sat cool, calm and collected.

It had been 3 days since he had infiltrated Iwagakure and aided in Naruto's escape from their less than desirable accommodations beneath the Tsuchikage's mansion, and he'd yet to hear hide nor hair of Naruto escaping, although he'd like to think that if he was dead, Iwagakure would be shouting it across the world, that they'd killed the child of the Yondaime Hokage.

Finishing off his bowl, he signalled the cook for another, it really was quite good Ramen.

"Yo, Itachi, what was the Kyubi Jinchuriki's name again?" Kisame asked from next to him, the slurping of noodles breaking Itachi out of his thoughts.

Staring at his partner for a bit, he had to marvel at the luck he had in getting back to Kisame when he did, the blue skinned man riddled with Kunai a near entire Mizu ANBU unit beaten and broken under him, going toe to toe with the newly appointed Mizukage.

He hated it when Naruto was right.

"Oh come on Itachi, I said I was sorry. It's not like I went looking for Mei, we just kind of stumbled into each other." Kisame nearly whined, jabbing his chopsticks at the Uchiha. "How much longer are you going to keep ignoring me?"

"Uzumaki Naruto. Not a hard name to remember Kisame." Itachi almost sighed, wondering where this was going.

Kisame's eyes widened, he wasn't actually expecting an answer. "Yeah okay then." Itachi just stared waiting for an explanation. "That's what I thought. Heh, for a minute there I was worried we and Iwa shared a common target." The shark man laughed, but Itachi froze.

"Why would you say that?"

"Latest Bingo Book from Iwa, hot off the presses." He said, passing a brown, leather bound book over to his Uchiha partner. "Page nine, in the S Ranks. Pretty damn impressive for a no-name kid."

Itachi's eyes widened, ignoring the Hoshigaki's ramblings, he flicked to the respective page.

-/-

Name: Namikaze Naruto

Title: Nidaime Senko

Rank: S

Bounty: 30 Million Ryu

Description: 5"2, blonde spiked hair, 3 whisker like marks on his face has a penchant for orange.

To be considered Jonin level in strength with a high wind affinity and a large chakra capacity. Known to spawn Shadow Clones at an unbelievable level, and has the capacity to fight at Kage level for the purpose of escape.

Wanted DOA; no exception.

Bounty will only be given with presentation of an intact and dead body.

-/-

Gritting his teeth, Itachi tossed the small leather bound book back at his patner, Sharingan eyes spinning in annoyance. It was a standard entry, one that he had expected.

But this specific entry had been meant to reach him, because there, hidden on the pages visible only to his Mangyeko Sharingan was a message, scrawled in an all too familiar hand.

_'S Rank at 13? Did I beat you? I think I beat you. Yeap, I definitely beat you. Suck it Crow.'_

Snapping his chopsticks, he made his way out of the stand, dropping the payment on the counter and grapping Kisame by the scruff of his coat, ignoring the cries of '_But I'd almost converted that guy!'_

He needed to blow off some steam, before his face started showing emotion.

Stupid Uzumaki, while he wasn't too proud about what he had done to attain his own S Rank bounty, he was quite proud of the fact that at 14 he'd been the youngest Shinobi ever to be branded with the legendary S.

Yes, the boy might be what he had wanted Sasuke to be, before he had been forced to choose between his country and his family, but there were times when he considered whether or not life would just be so much easier if he just shoved an Amaterasu down Naruto's throat.

-/-

_Translation__  
__Nidaime Senko; Second Flash_

**Sorry for the considerable wait, I've moved house once again and I've still got bare bones internet access, so that's rather… unfortunate for my update rate. Although hopefully within the next month that should change dramatically, so, fingers crossed there, I do so miss, Skype and MSN.**

**Oh and Fanfiction too, I am so far behind on my reading, it's annoying.**

**Till next time, Jordanicus, out.**


	7. It's An Interlude at Best

**Cliché Chapter 7  
It's An Interlude At Best **

_Naruto its settings, characters and concepts are all the properties of the seemingly trolltastic Masashi Kishimoto.  
__Admittedly, recent chapters have disappointed me greatly and caused my faith in the fandom to wane, but I'll always love you Kishi. Much love._

* * *

A wet thunk sounds out as my body slams against a wooden surface rather limply, startled shrieks, several kunai to my throat and the bitter tang of way to much heat mixed in with blood is all I can take in as I disembark from my reversed self summon.

Wondering if this is real life, I pass out.

-/-

Ugh. Bright light bad.

But at least that means I wasn't thrown into some deep, dark, dank ANBU dungeon. Wait a minute, do they even have ANBU here?

My eyes focusing, I realize I'm in a hospital and that there is air conditioning, sweet god given air conditioning.

Taking in the set of cuffs shackling me to the hospital bed almost negligently, I spot a familiar shock of Red Hair sitting in the corner, and I can't help but let out a smirk.

"Hey Gaara, does Suna have ANBU, or is that just Konoha?" He's raising his brow at me, well quirking… its kind of hard to tell when someone has shaved their brow free of any sort of hair whatsoever.

"You startled the council quite severely, Uzumaki Naruto." Oh I did? That's good. Still confused at what I did, well allow me to explain. During my meeting with the Suna Branch of Bureaucratic Assholes, AkA the Village Council, I was none to focused until I got around to describing the plan that the Sandaime, Itachi with very minimal input from myself, devised.

Of course, a bored Naruto is a dangerous Naruto, so I got to scribbling a seal on the easily graphitized, graffitiable?... easily vandalized chair they had so readily provided, too kind of them really.

It was a seal I wheedled out of Jiraiya, on the last leg back from our journey to drag Tsunade back to Konoha to become Hokage, the seal matrix for Summoning. He figured it was no harm; I've been to led that my Old Man's Hiraishin was a more refined and compact version of it, so I suppose he guessed that I was starting the steps needed to reverse engineer that particular little trick.

Oh Jiraya. So naive for someone so experienced.

I instead bound myself to this particular seal and splattering the other end of the seal all across Iwa, created a summon matrix with myself as the base.

Hadn't been expecting to use it so soon though.

"I guess I'm sorry for that, but it was an emergency." He enthused, smiling as Gaara's lip twitched slightly. Ah progress, the boy was beginning to understand humour, that was good.

"Your state suggested as much." He deadpanned again, I really wasn't sure if he was being snarky or if it was a genuine statement of facts. Smart money would be on the latter but I like to think that Gaara is learning, so I'd put my money on it being a snark. "I would ask what happened, but the Council has ordered that you be bought before them to explain your actions and the events leading up to them the minute you woke up."

"Its been more than a minute Gaara."

"Has it?" Oh yeah, Gaara was going to be just fine.

* * *

Oh today had not been a good day Oonoki commiserated.

it had started out brilliant, the scourge of Iwa's son strung up in chains in the deepest, darkest dungeons. His granddaughter working him over with many things sharp and pointy and a little bit shiny.

And yet somehow, somehow, the bastard had managed to escape, stringing Kurotsuchi up in his place and stealing her machete. It was if no one taught him a Shinobi's weapons were sacred, you just didn't steal shit like that.

And then he had proceeded to escape with his life, actually refusing to die when the Tsuchikage himself had demanded he do it.

But not even that could stand up to the sheer nerve, the incomparable cheek, that was imprinting the symbol of the Uzumaki clan on top of his village in irremovable _orange _paint. That had to be, among everything, the worst slap in the face the boy could have possibly offered.

Hey, no one ever said Iwa nin were reasonable.

* * *

"So you went to Iwa?" It was the representative from my last gathering in this room who had addressed me. I suppose he's going to acting the big dick here as well.

"I went to Iwa."

"Any particular reason?"

"I was hoping the Tsuchikage would have a cup of tea with me." I joked, eliciting several small chuckles and a few upturned lips. That was good, it was always nice to deal with a legislative body that didn't take itself to seriously. "Obviously he wasn't in a tea drinking mood."

"We get that you wish to play most of your secrets close to the chest, we respect that, really." Oh, well. This was not going to be something I would enjoy, I'm sure. "But you are using our village as a safe haven, we have restrained ourselves for throwing you back to Konoha, who I am sure would quite enjoy having your head on a spike, if what we've heard over the last week or so is to be believed." Oh boy, I really wasn't going to like this was I? "As such I don't believe we are very much out of line when we ask you to explain just why you would risk your life by strolling into Iwa so resembling who you do."

I bit my tongue. How to play this, sure I could divulge what I had found but, even as hospitable as they had been Suna was first and foremost a Ninja Village and the chances of there not being a fairly high levelled spy were almost astronomical. I could edit my information somewhat, keep what I needed to keep to myself, but that had the monumental chance of backfiring. Of course, I could just walk out (Read; fight my way out) but that would just earn me another enemy and honestly between Konoha, Iwa and the Legion of Flowery Cloaked Doom I did not need to be on anyone else's shit list right now.

Sighing, and praying to everything good in the world I began. "So, there's this group called Akatsuki, 10 members and a rather large list of subsidiaries and sponsors..."

* * *

**Bout time am I right****?**

**I apologise, but I tend to have this problem when I write, I begin stories based on an eventual outcome with absolutely no idea about how I'm going to get there, only that eventually I will and it leads to moments like these where, instead of fully fleshed and lengthy chapters that get you salivating for more you instead get these short things which are more of a teaser than anything.**

**It doesn't help that I've planned this arc to carry over to a second book. Ugh.**

**Anyway, read review and, whatever you do, don't pelt me with your unbridled rage. That stuff smarts.  
**


	8. Its a Story Within a Story

**Cliché Chapter 8  
Its a Story, Within a Story  
**

_Naruto is the Property of Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo, I own none of it.  
Filler Hell is Finally Over and Minato in Motion Just Kicks So Much Arse it isn't even Funny._

Kirigakure isn't actually, as its name would suggest, a Village Hidden in the Mist. It is in fact hidden in a manner similar to Takigakure, the Village Hidden in the Waterfalls, in which the name merely alludes to the location of the Village's entrance, and even then it only acts as an entrance to the entrance that leads to the village gates, a network of tunnels submerged anywhere between 5 and 30 meters below the waves of the archipelagoes that make up the country of Water and those just lead, once more, into a steep 50 meter vertical climb up into an abandoned cove, all the clichés you'd expect scattering the visual first, the great and bloody Mist standing proud, suspended over the waves and built hard into the stone walls and jagged rocks.

One might wonder just why entry into Kiri is just so convoluted and Civilian unfriendly, maybe, it could be considered, it is all just a front and the real Kiri is hidden deeper into the cove, a gate much easier to access offering entrance to those without the stamina and endurance of Shinobi Elite. One might be expecting a grand tale of a civilization or clan fleeing persecution and extermination (Ironic considering Kiri's more recent history in dealing with people bearing bloodlines and genetic oddities) who waited out the hunt in the cove and just decided that they'd gotten to comfortable to really bother leaving.

Well those people would be disappointed, truth of the matter was the First Mizukage, Same Hoshigaki (A man resembling a shark more than a man much in the manner of his descendant Kisame) was just kind of a giant dick and when asked just where he'd like his legacy immortalized he was quoted as saying; "Heh, if they can't deal with a little walkin', they ain't worthy to be in my Village."

A little walking, at a Civilian's pace, was just little over a week.

So like was said, kind of a dick. But this placement made Kiri the most fortified and unbreakable Villages ever concocted and even in the wake of their bloodline massacre, clan after clan felled by the steel and water of their former allies and protectorates, Kiri had managed to maintain its position as one of the great 5 because, in all reality, no one could really be bothered to get stuck in the tunnels that sort of, in a way, made Kiri more Hidden in the Earth than even Iwa.

So with all of this in mind, it was with, understandable surprise, that Mei Terumi, newly instated Fifth Mizukage, walked into her office to find obsidian eyes framed by black hair and a defaced Konoha Headband staring back at her from the rather plush velvet chair she had inherited when she took on the post.

"Uchiha. I must say this is a surprise." She spoke softly, eyeing the boy up with curious eyes. "Wasn't it, not even a week ago, that you descended onto a brawl between the Monster of the Mist and myself, dragging the beast away and injuring several of my men and woman in the process?"

"It is, Madam Mizukage." He twitched his chin down slightly in a sign of recrimination. "I suppose apologies are in order."

"Maybe they are or maybe they aren't. It depends on why you have risked your life and sanity on strolling into my village as easy as you please."

Itachi cocked his head. "Your phrasing leaves a lot to be desired Madam."

"Does it now?"

"It does."

"Would you be willing to explain?"

"Only if you have not discerned the cause by the time our meeting is concluded."

"And should I decide it is done and order you shackled and dragged down to my most enthusiastic torturers?"

"That would be your prerogative I suppose and you would be sure to have your answer, but I must concede that you would not capture me. That is a promise I can offer with the most assured guarantees." Itachi responded with a small lilt of something resembling humour in his tone, but not a single muscle in his face twitching to match.

Studying him further, amber eyes roving over the boy with calculating wariness. "If I might have my chair back, I suppose we can get this meeting under way then, boy."

"I'd be careful with the word 'boy' Madam, I do believe you are only 2 years older than me." He stated, stretching out of the chair and pacing around the rich redwood desk, staring down at the woman who had taken her seat back and appropriated his previous position.

"Maybe when you are two years older I shall not call you boy anymore." She smiled, hoping to chink away some of the stone on the boy's face, only to get nothing but a small nod in response once more. "Well then, I'm sure you have something interesting to tell me, especially considering what I've heard about those who wear the cloaks you and Hoshigaki do, so tell me Akatsuki, just why you've defiled the sanctuary of my Village."

"It all starts with my Idiot apprentice Madam, but at the same time it also starts 70 years ago at the dawn of Konohagakure as well as 50 years ago, shortly after the founding of your own village, Madam and then, again 40 years later with the crowing of your Fourth Mizukage."

"That was almost cryptic of you Uchiha."

"I try."

"Well then, I'll save the chunk of it for last but, for now let's start with Konoha, 70 years ago."

"Very well, I assume you've heard of my forbearer Madara Uchiha yes?" A roll of her eyes answered his question. "Yes, well, what many may not know is that Madara did not actually die in his final battle with Hashirama Senju, but instead survived and fled to plot many terrible plots, some terrifying and some merely distractingly amusing."

"And these plots;" Mei interrupted softly with a raised hand. "They have affected the founding of my village and the crowning of two of my predecessors?"

"Yes, but not as indirectly as I'm sure you are assuming.

"Oh really?"

"Yes, for you see, Madara was a bitter man. He had lost control of the Village that he had proposed built to the reluctant Senju, shortly after losing his brother to the cold grip of Death, after which he had the trust of his clan wrest away from him and finally losing the one man he could call rival and most likely, the closest thing he had to a friend outside the Uchiha when, in his bitter rage he struck down the First Hokage with all of the power at his beck and call and survived to crawl off and recover."

"Interesting, but I wasn't aware we were here for a psychology lesson in prominent figures from the past Uchiha." She interrupted once again, this time a little less softly then she had previously.

"I apologise Madam, but it is necessary. It all ties together in the end, I promise." Itachi replied, nonplussed by the woman's waning patience, receiving a sigh and a beckoning wave of the hand to continue.  
"I think, more than anything he had come to blame Konoha for all the wrongs and tragedy that had struck his life so suddenly. The Village he and his brother had dreamt of for so long, a place where they could gather together all of the wandering clans of Fire under one banner. It had been his dream yet, at the end of the day it had betrayed him and his devotion, or so I believe he felt.'  
"With this one thought and his fragile emotional state he pieced back what was left of his shattered psyche with one, burning goal in mind."

"To see Konoha razed?"

"You have heard this story before Madam?"

She snorted. "Your story is predictable Uchiha."

"Ah, I was afraid it might be, at least for the opening act. But I promise it gets better."

"I doubt that Uchiha, for I feel I have pieced most of the rest, if not all, of your story together."

"Hmm, maybe. Tell me your version then Madam and I shall tell you whether you are right or wrong."

"20 years later, most likely fringing on old age, Madara's ears catch wind of the founding of a new Hidden Village, the fourth of the future Big Five and decides that he will be able to use and manipulate its ruling body to his whims and fancies of revenge and destruction." She continued weaving the thread from where Itachi had lain it down. "Of course, Same Hosigaki being the rock headed, arrogant bastard that he was doesn't want to hear word one and chases the man away, judging by the fact that we didn't announce war on the Leaf and its allies.'  
"His plan ruined, Madara places some a trigger of some desiogn that will manipulate a future Mizukage, one with a mind, less iron bound, than that of Same's. It takes two more reigns after Same's own, but the Yondaime Mizukage, a Jinchuriki, is named successor to the Third, much to the outcry of the public, and Madara's trigger is pulled." She paused, a look of confusion coming over her features as she pieced the thread together the rest of her interpretation. "But something went wrong, instead of targeting Konoha, his focus was locked solely on those bearing bloodlines and he ordered the Purges with an insane haste." She paused again, this time the silence stretched out a little longer before being broken.

"Are you done already Madam?" Itachi interjected with a stone faced glee. "There is still much more to this story and you are only at the halfway point."

"I am right then?"

"Partially."

"Partially? How is that then?"

"Continue your story Madam."

"I fear I cannot."

"No?"

"I cannot possibly see where yourself and your apprentice would possibly fall into place in this story." She admitted angrily, directed at herself more so then him. "In fact I find myself interested more on just how you can tie this together that if it is impressive enough I might just have to reconsider ordering you strung up."

"Your generosity knows no bounds Madam." He nodded "Your first mistake was in assuming that Madara merely heard about the construction of Kirigakure, he in fact planted the idea in Same Hoshigaki's head and from there guided and oversaw the construction."

"Not something I could or should know. Equally tricky to verify whether you tell me fact or fiction."

"As you say, difficult to verify, but I can only confess to telling you what I have come to believe as the truth."

In a puff of smoke a large hulking slab of metal appeared in the Mizukage's hand, holes riddling the metal oozed burning red slag and sickly green mist, the pointed end resting at Itachi's chin. "I could melt you into slag in little less than a second, melt your bones into nothing more than puddles at my feet. Please, continue your story."

Not moving, and eyes studiously fixed on Mei (And not the great big chunk of metal under his chin) Itachi continued. "Madara had a lot of plans for Kiri and, although Same had valued his input and his guidance throughout the time it took to build your village, he could not be seen to offer foreigners handouts, for even then those of Water Country were viciously xenophobic, and instead offered something else. Any Hoshigaki who came to wield the shark skin blade, Samehada, would be honour bound to aid and abet any plans so long as they did not contradict those of the Hoshigaki's Village."

"And I can't help but feel as if you imply Kisame's implicity in these affairs, but the man known as Madara is dead, long so. Tell me Itachi, are you trying to say that Kisame has pledged himself to the plans of a dead man?"

"Maybe I am." Itachi agreed, eyes closing slowly in a storytellers pause. "Perhaps I am trying to tell a different story completely and that is just a small fact one might need to piece together the whole narrative, it might even be a crucial fact."

"Is it a crucial fact?"

"It is not, neither is it needed to explain anything less than Kisame's place in my organization and a possible method in curbing his actions." Mei let out a smirk at that, sword drifting to the side, away from Itachi and instead finding a place buried in the word work of the room, but instead of splintering it, just seemed to melt into it instead.

"A feature that the Third had the frame of mind to get put in place, far to many times did this floor need to replaced or blades taken from their wielders and I will tell you now Itachi, nothing can be pissier than a Swordsman without his steel."

"Duly noted Miss Terumi."

"Hoh, did I give you leave to adress me so informally, Missing Nin?"

"I believe you gave it to me when you addressed me as 'Itachi' instead of 'Uchiha' or 'Akatsuki,' I suppose I was wrong."

Letting out a wry chuckle, Mei shook her head. "Damn. It seems I'm beginning to tolerate your presence. Don't take it as more than it is Uchiha, I am still Kage and you have still broken into my village. Do not get comfortable."

"Of course Madam. May I continue my story?"

"I believe Same had just offered his namesakes wielders to Madara's whims."

"Indeed, but Same did not do this out of generosity or out of some misguided sentimentality, he did t because, as I'm sure anyone would have assumed, Madara was old and getting older and all of Same's children at the time were no older than five and he was still wielder of the shark skin blade and more than plenty formidable." Itachi spoke, each sentence punctuated with an exageratted flourish, at least as far as Itachi went. A small twitch of eyes, quick twitches of his fingers, small things that would not look strange on anybody else.

But Itachi Uchiha was stone, stone does not move, stone does that break. Stone just is.

"As far as Same was concerned, Madara would never have a chance to claim his gift and Madara understood this, there is, after all, not much that he doesn't." This may have been punctuated with a bit more bitterness than he would have liked, "But Madara took the offer with a smile on his face and left Kiri for years. It stood as it always had, un-darkened by the presence of a Sharingan or Uchiha for decades, that is until the Third Mizukage announced a successor, a young child who had grown up rough, who had been teamed with the feared Demon of the Mist and still managed to establish his own personal legacy of blood in the name of Kirigakure no Sato.

"But not all was well, there was dissent amongst the village at the announcement, some even let their fear and hatred of the child take root, ideas and actions suddenly sprang forth and with them rioting and protest outside the Kage's tower. How could he nominate it, how could they trust a beast in the utmost throne of power in the land?"

"...but he ignored them, old man Third;" Mei picked up, tongue lapping at suddenly dry lips, eyes closed in silent rememberance. "He ignored them and quelled the protests with force, always non-lethal and, six months later, the Fourth Mizukage was crowned."

"And for the first time ever, a Jinchuriki was named Kage."

* * *

**This makes up for chapter 7 right?**

**Yes, this is insanely dialogue heavy and very, _very_ light on any actual goings on, but I feel that the little backstory we get here and the fleshing of Madara as something a little more 3 dimensional and real here is worth the tradeoff, besides. Just try and tell me you don't enjoy it. If this were a romance, I'd have, within the span of a single chapter launched my second ship.**

**But it isn't and I didn't.**

**I suppose I'll just have to live with the idea that I have probably, single handedly, launched the SS MeiTachi, cause lord knows I haven't seen anything of its kind before.**

**Stay tuned for the continuation in Chapter 9 - The Turtle's Tale**

**Jordan Out**


	9. The Turtle's Tale

**Cliché Chapter 9 - The Turtle's Tale**

_Naruto is the Property of Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo.  
Cliché is merely a Piece of Fan Work and is more a Tribute than a Plagiarism  
_

His dull violet eyes widened in surprise, his jaw dropping in surprise. "What did you say, Lord Mizukage?" There was no way he had heard him correctly, there couldn't be.

"I'm sure you heard me Yagura." He smiled from behind greying red bangs, Hirameki sheathed and balanced between his palm and the top of his foot. "You are far too young for your hearing to be going already."

"But, there are much better choices than me, choices that Kiri and the Royal Tides Court will accept…" He started pathetically, only to have Hirameki's sheathe bounce off of his head.

"Shut up Yagura." The Sandaime Mizukage smirked and he shut up as ordered. "The Court might not like my decision and maybe even Kiri will resent me for nominating you to the position, but I don't care.  
"You are more than the beast inside you, more than Isobu whether they see it or not." He put kindly, the wrinkles in his face disappearing as she bent down to ruffle his hair. "You will be the greatest Mizukage the world has ever known."

Smiling small, the green haired man nodded. "Count on it, Lord Mizukage."|

* * *

Tugging and shifting the Mizukage's robes… no, he supposed they were his robes now… He couldn't seem to get comfortable, the idea still infuriatingly ridiculous even on this; the day of his coronation.

"Well, well, well." A rough voice chuckled from the doorway. "Aren't you looking all fancy and respectable?"

"Do be quiet Momochi, you lower the IQ in the room with every word you speak." Yagura drawled, turning towards Zabuza Momochi, apprentice to the wielder of Kubriki Hochou and heir apparent to the man's position in the Seven Swordsman, his teeth pointed, sharpened to razor points, mimicking those of a shark.

"Tch, you're just jealous of my aura of manly manliness kid." Zabuza smirked, tapping a finger against the hilt of his sheathed Katana.

"Please, I'd rather be intelligent in my body than brutishly dumb in your own." Yagura sniped, drawing his flower tipped staff from against the wall he had rested it against. "But I'm sure that if you're searching for a fight Momochi, I will be willing to oblige."

"Hah, you think you can take me on in a straight up weapon's fight?" Zabuza laughed, unsheathing his sword and leveling it high, tilting it down to point at the Kage Apparent's eyes. "Without that shelled bastard I doubt you can match me."

Tilting his head, Yagura had to frown. "Do not mistake me for the fool that houses the six tails." He had to smirk twirling his staff and tracing a half circle around himself. "I can manage myself in a straight up weapon's fight more than well enough."

"Well then, let's see what you got oh Lord Fourth."

Both friends smiled, before their stances shifted and they moved, laughing all the way.

* * *

Blinking through a haze of Sake, and tipping off his brand new hat, all triangular and blue, and laying it on his desk, before collapsing into the plush velveteen chair left to him by his predecessor, staff taking a position lodged in the ground at his side, ready to be grasped and wielded at a seconds notice.

'_Today was good, wouldn't you say Isobu?'_ Yagura thought with a cheery inflection towards the Biju locked within his gut. _'Not nearly as many people were against my installment than I first thought.'_

A rumbling laugh echoed from within his mind, the three tailed turtle that was locked within him taking pleasure in the man's lack of self-assurance. **You never did have much faith in yourself little hatchling. **The beast laughed, a tendril of comfort extending out in a warming touch of camaraderie. **You've earned more favour than you believe you deserve, the lonely eggs especially see you as a symbol of trust for all that you have done towards sweeping clean their living.**

Yagura sighed, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. _'And after fighting against a lifetime of hate and fear just how was I supposed to know this?'_ He asked with a bitter inflection.

**As you always have, by being a Shinobi and comprehending instead of just seeing.** The Chakra demon rolled with humour.

"Oh just shut up Isobu." Yagura sniped with a sardonic grin.

"Isobu? You named the thing?" A voice echoed out of the shadows of the office, Yagura's hackles shooting up, the haze of his mind clearing up with a snap of demonic chakra courtest of the Sanbi and his hand grasping his staff and leveling it at a man stepping out of the shadows, a white mask stained with black gazing straight at him.

Malevolent red eyes, burning crystal clear even in the darkness.

"That's just cute, little, Lord Fourth." He chuckled, seemingly uncaring about the staff tickling his nose and the rancid undercurrent of demonic chakra burning through the air of the small office.

"An Uchiha, in Kiri?" Yagura muttered with a tone of confusion. "Are Konoha truly that brazen to attempt an assassination on the night of my coronation?"

"Assassination?" the man chuckled walking over to the window sill and propping himself up on it. "There is no such thing happening tonight little Kage. In fact, I'd rather hope we could just talk." The man said, raising his hands in a gesture of peace.

"So Konoha wishes to discuss an alliance?" Yagura asked, his staff tracking the man's movement. "Why now and not when Lord Uzumaki made motions for such an agreement last year?"

"Oh little Kage, you are far too off the mark. I am not here as a member of Konoha, in fact I have not been a member of that pit for decades now."

"Decades? Just how many decades Uchiha?" Yagura intoned with a quirked brow.

"Now, now, we will get to that Little Kage, but for now shall we talk mutual benefits?" the Man asked with cheer, Sharingan eye spinning with glee out from the single eye hole carved into the porcelain.

"And what kind of mutual benefits can a missing nin offer me?" Yagura asked with derision, his own instincts and the Sanbi's howl of warning coming to late as a thick dark chakra ensnared his senses and chained down the beast within him.

"Easy, you give me what I want, Little Kage, and I emblazon your name across the pages of history." The masked man drawled victoriously, Yagura's screams not vocalizing from within the cage his mind had been locked within. "Tell me who I am."

"Madara Uchiha." Yagura's body murmured with obedient disinterest, free will stripped away by the crossed and circled red and black of the Uchiha's Mangyekou Sharingan.

"That is correct." Madara nodded with a smirk. "I am Madara Uchiha and from this moment, I am the true Fourth Mizukage."

-/-

Shirou Uzumaki had served as the Third Mizukage for 40 years, inducted after the death of the Second not by his own personal choice, or even through an electoral process, but instead, as a lot of Kiri's process' were, by right of conquest, carving a bloody crest through those who had thrown their own names into the running for the office and coming out as the best as all Uzumaki were trained to be.

But even so, even with the circumstances surrounding his inauguration, he had spent the 40 years of her rule bettering Kiri as best she could, seeking to pull it out of the hole that the Clam and illusion wielding Second had continued to bury them in much in the vein that Same Hoshigaki had about half way through his own reign. He had bought up the quality of Shinobi and he had even raised and stabilized 2 Jinchuriki (Although some liked to contend just how successful he had been with one) and, with just a little help from tiny little Zabuza Momochi, had even managed to put an end to the bloody and entirely unnecessary practice of pitting Genin hopefuls against each other in matches to the death to determine those who would graduate and those who would fail.

And in Kiri to fail, was to die.

But at the end of the day, he had contracted a vicious disease, one that ate and ate and ate away at her chakra, a birth deficiency unique to her clan and that enjoyed sucking down their larger and more potent than normal chakra like a leech on a vein.

So, instead of dying like a hero in some sort of bloody and heroic battle, he had retired quietly and named a successor, a controversial one at that although… maybe not as controversial or even as unexpected as it could have been considering the way she had raised and trained him, the way he had ingrained himself into the community the sheer amount of time and effort he had put into bettering his village and just helping the people of Kiri with their issues, small or large, had quickly endeared and bettered the general perception of him.

So, why had he just separated his arm from her shoulder?

Crying out over the pain and ignoring the blood splashing everywhere, he formed a set of one handed seals, chains flying out from the walls and wrapping their way around her student, hell his goddamn son, snaring him still and biting through the freshly tailored Kage robes, biting into his skin.

And he didn't even flinch.

"Gemjutsu Yagura?" He laughed, grasping her bleeding stump humourlessly. "Since when does thrice damned genjutsu work on you?"

"It doesn't." the new Kage spoke, only he wasn't really speaking. Sure, he was saying the words, but there was someone behind those words that wasn't Yagura or even the Bijuu he housed. "But then again, this is no mere Genjutsu."

"It is - Domination." A voice continued from behind him, shooting a chill down to his very core as red and black printed eyes caught her gaze from within Yagura's shadow. "Hello Lord Third and welcome, to Tsukuyomi."

The world shifted, her small little house replaced by a graveyard. Hundreds upon hundreds of grave stones, half drowned by water, the sky tinted red by a malevolent crimson moon that hung threateningly in the sky.

"This is my death, isn't it?" He asked without bitterness, eyes accepting and voice defeated.

"It is." The masked man replied with an almost, apologetic tone. "But do not fret, for your death is not pointless. Find solace in the fact that your death will start paving the road to an eternal peace."

He closed his eyes and held back a grunt as Yagura's hook ended staff sliced him ear to ear.

That is how the Third Mizukage, Shirou Uzumaki, died.

* * *

"I assume you can continue the story from there, at least, Kiri's part in it all." Itachi nodded as Mei looked at him with an unreadable expression almost as good as his.

Almost, his ego whispered happily.

"Civil war quickly descended, 3 years later Zabuza attempted his coup and paid for his brazen stupidity with banishment and constant fear of death, which I hear caught up with him." Not interrupting, but giving a nod of confirmation she continued. "The Former Kiri Shiobi lay low for 2 years after that and just six months we struck."

Itachi nodded, he remembered the day quite well, the day that the Sanbi Jinchuriki was put into the ground by the woman standing before him. "Yes, Tobi was quite angry about that."

"And Tobi would be?"

"A later addition to the story, would you care to hear the rest?" Looking at him sternly, the Lady Fifth nodded her ascent, and Itachi continued.

He always did enjoy playing at the Story Teller.

* * *

**Not much to say, is late and I need to pull an 8 hour run of it for a work function in 3 and a half hours with no sleep under my belt.**

**Fun.**

**As always, read review and comment.  
**


	10. As Time Skips On

**Cliche Chapter 10 - As Time Skips On  
**

_Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto  
I would put a witty snark here but... I forget what happened last week so here's a new chapter instead._

* * *

Crimson fire burst to life in the middle of Training Ground 7 as Sasuke Uchiha spat a massive ball of fire towards his grey haired teacher. "Grand Fireball Sasuke?" The scarecrow taunted, tearing through it with a seamless water technique that mimicked the cutting power of wind. "Since when has that been good for anything but a distraction?" He twirled as a fist of lightning streaked past him, grabbing a lightning covered hand in an iron grip. "And not even all that good of a distraction either. Tsk Tsk Sasuke, maybe I should reconsider putting your name forward for promotion, if you're still making such silly mistakes."

Sasuke Uchiha glared at his teacher with a burning humiliation, Sharingan eyes spinning in frustration. "Damnit, I can never get even close to touching you." He moaned, as his teacher threw him back, sliding down his Headband sporting the symbol of Konoha over his own, albeit not natural gained, Sharingan. "Well Sasuke, don't forget. I've been doing this longer than you've been alive." Wait, something wasn't right, Sasuke should not be smirking like. "Oh shit." Kakashi growled as Sasuke's Shadow Clone popped into smoke, lightning streaking up and out of the ground as the Jonin was caught in Chidori Nagashi, a non-lethal, long range variation on the man's own original Assassination technique.

Collapsing with a grunt, his muscles seizing up from the strength of the current Sasuke crouched next to him. "Sure, Grand Fire ball is a pretty terrible technique outside of distraction and even then, you won't fool anyone more than a Genin with the thing." He boasted with a smirk, onyx black eyes alight in joy. "But how about using a rubbish distraction for something far to wasteful to even be considered a distraction?"

"Chidori being such a chakra heavy technique, not to mention being such a final one, who in their right mind would use it so frivolously?"

"So, do I pass your test?" Sasuke asked, arms folded.

"Only if you reverse the paralysis."

With a smirk Sasuke got to work. _'I'll do what you asked Naruto.'_ the boy thought resolutely. 'I'll_ protect Konoha. Even though I don't want to. I'll become the Hokage's right hand and, when you're ready, I'll serve you. Because, Lord Hokage, you did the one thing I thought impossible.'_

'You gave me my brother back.'

* * *

_"_One of these days Itachi." Mei Terumi scolded as she turned towards a presence on her window sill. "I am going to cleave you through with Hirumaki and where would you be then?"

Itachi Uchiha looked down at his friend with a quirked brow. "You think you're good enough for that Mei?"

"I think so."

Chuckling he stepped into the spartan office of the Mizukage with a slight smile. "I do not have long, wouldn't do to keep Kisame waiting."

"You left him somewhere other than Water yes?" She asked. And Itachi quirked his head, remembering the first time he had met the female Water Shadow, bloody and torn staring down the Monster of the Mist Kisame Hoshigaki, Hirameki in hand spewing acidic mist and drooling molten slag.

_"Well, it seems you're keeping rather famous company these days Kisame."_ She had laughed, a molten dragon emerging lightning fast from beneath ruined water, streaking towards the Uchiha only to erupt in a vicious explosion of black fire as Itachi swung a bored looking towards the construct with crimson eyes. _"Itachi Uchiha... now aren't you impressive?"_

"Right Itachi?" She demanded snapping him into the present. Sighing, not wanting to bait her anymore Itachi assented.

"No, he is not in Mizu, I believe I dropped him somewhere in Grass, let Orochimaru deal with him for a bit." He said, collapsing into a basic wooden chair opposite her plush luxurious one. "I have maybe an hour before I have to leave, shall we get to busness then?"

Biting her lip, Mei watched the stone faced man with a worried look on her face. "You are sure there is no other way? Do you really have to..."

"Yes." Itachi interrupted with no more than a closing of his eyes. "There is no other way Mei, this is the year I die."

* * *

"Neh, Sasori, you not coming with?" A blonde man with a red cloud covered cloak asked surprised, staring down at a hunched over form draped in the same clock, but rocking it more as a tablecloth than a article of clothing.

"I don't see why I should Deidara." The form named Sasori replied with clipped vocalization. "Unless you're far to pathetic to put down a single little girl all on your own?"

"Pft, sure. You keep believing that." Deidara snorted, a hand plunging into a pouch on his waist. "I'll be done faster than Hidan completes his prayers."

Sasori laughed. "Please, as if that's saying anything. The world could end faster than that lunatic prays to his stupid Blood God."

With a quirk of his lips, Deidara revealed his hand, a gruesome mouth with razor sharp teeth and rabid tongue uncurling from around a clay model of a bird. "Be back in 10 Sasori."

"Don't keep me waiting. You know how I hate to wait."

Without giving a reply, Deidara chucked the model into the air where it expanded into a size at least 5 times larger, and began drifting softly on the air as Deidara launched himself on to the constructs back, before it took off towards the great tree that was the shelter for the Village Hidden in the Waterfalls.

On any other day, Deidara might have been able to back up his boast, abducting the target Jinchuriki all on his lonesome within 10 minutes while Sasori sat outside playing with his dolls. In fact, on any other day, Deidara would be the favourite to win, if only because the current mark he and Sasori had been sent to deal with, didn't have nearly as much symmetry with her inner demon as she would need to combat a skilled fighter such as he.

The problem was, it wasn't any other day. And the presence of one banished, blonde haired Uzumaki would make all the difference in the coming Waterfall Building Massacre of the year 552.

* * *

"Minato's log, stardate... I really don't know."

Tobirama sighed. "Why do we continue to let him act insane?" He asked of his brother and student with an exasperated groan. "No, better question. Why is it, that when he acts like this nobody slaps him but when I decide to join in on his game you slap me with your wood..." Slapping _himself_ in the face Tobirama turned to his brother. "That was completely accidental Hash, I swear."

"Because Tobirama." The First Hokage responded, pointedly ignoring his brother's verbal screw up, even if his foolish little monkey of a student had no such compunction, breaking down in peels of laughter and pointing. Honestly, had Tobi corrupted him that much? "Minato spent 13 years playing this game, just to try and stay even a little bit sane. It would be unreasonable to expect him to just stop." Yes, all the patience of a saint trying to explain to a particularly hardheaded child just why the sky was blue and not something ridiculous like purple or noodle.

And yes, that had been a particular question Tobirama had asked of their parents when they were young and no. Hashirama really did not enjoy recalling the purposefully stupid things that Tobi had said or done just to get a rise out of their parents.

"Oh and yet, at not one point did you think that maybe, just maybe, jawbreaking me with your Mokuton, I swear to god Sarutobi if you do not stop laughing I am going to drown you with all of the drownings!" Tobi roared, pointing at their former student who had collapsed onto his back. "It wasn't even that funny."

"Obviously Captain Monkey disagrees." Minato piped in from atop a stark white pillar, perched like a cat about to pounce.

"Hey Minato?" Tobi asked quietly, eyes transfixed on the slightly darker shade of white that Minato had claimed as a throne. "Where'd you get the pillar from buddy?"

"...I don't know."

Tobirama groaned and Hashirama chuckled as the two Senju brothers walked away, leaving their successors to their business. Locking eyes, the Third and Fourth Hokages knew that they shared the very same thought.

_'All according to plan.'_

* * *

My god, the last 3 years have been nothing but boring, I swear to ramen.

Okay, maybe boring isn't the word. The occasional ROOT strike team manages to keep things interesting and Iwa is still looking to claim their pound of flesh and the killers they send are always good for a less than friendly not-quite-death match.

Admittedly if I lose it suddenly becomes alot less not-quite-death and a whole lot more very-much-death match. Honestly, Iwatians... Iwanitans? Iwais? People from Iwa, let's go with that. Honestly, people from Iwa sure can hold a grudge, its almost like their entire city is still splattered with a luminescent orange symbol that allows me to pop up in their village anytime I want to taunt them with my ever brazen style of mockery.

Oh... wait. That's completely true.

Still, trying to kill me for such a harmless little prank? Come on people, let it go. Jeez.

So maybe not so much boring and instead maybe just a little bit monotonous, Itachi all but ordering me to stay under the radar until Akatsuki made their move, not at all appreciating my stunt in Iwa.

Please as if it were any different from his stunt in Kiri? What? Feelings of inferiority just because he managed to wrangle an alliance whereas I just got a serious spanking and hospitalization? What do you know brain, your just a mushy pink ball of stuff.

**"Witty, it's almost as if you're capable of intelligent thought."** Oh right, him too. The Kyuubii decided that it had had enough of just sitting back and watching, the damn thing has now become a constant whisper in my ear. Admittedly, I knew that one day this would happen, but I figured I would have to force the fuzzy mass of pure destruction to subscribe to my insanity, instead he offers himself willingly. **"Maybe I just wish to abuse that insanity and make you snap enough to let me take control of this sack you all a body meatbag?"**

Oh that fox. Anyway, I was on a tangent... oh right. So with my spectacular ass kicking and Itachi warning in the form of 72 straight hours with, ugh, a _cheerful_ Sasuke (such a thing should be considered unholy and a crime against nature itself) I was forced to split my time between mindless meandering as far away from Iwa as possible and helping Gaara shore up his village in preparation for the coming threat. Oh yeah, Gaara is totally the Kazekage now. Go figure right? The difference 3 years can make. Apparently the Akatsuki thought so as well because, conveniently, they decided to wait just that amount of time before making any overt attempts (Well more overt than Itachi and Kisame knocking down my hotel door) and finally, I can do something to break up the damn monotony of the last handful of years.

"Now, before you say anything, I should make you an offer you would have to be stupid to turn down." I say, smile plastered on my face. "Come with me if you want to live."

The burning orange eyes of the only Jinchuriki outside of the control of the Big 5 Villages narrow in disbelief. Well, fuck. I suppose we're going to have to do this the hard way aren't we.

"Hn... this is a surprise." Ah, they're early. Yeap, looking up, I see him. Floppy blonde hair, scarily reminiscent of Ino's, red and black Akatsuki cloak and obnoxious clay bird that explodes. "Oh no, don't mind. me I can wait." Deidara chuckled with a flip of his way too feminine hair. "Either way, I'm going to kill you both."

The 7 tailed Jinchuriki's eyes widen, and she tosses me away. That was nice of her, that chakra tail of hers was starting to burn.

"Stay out of this whiskers." Oh burn. Honestly, that hurt. It isn't my fault that the conception Gods got off on the irony of branding me with whisker shaped birth marks. "I'll be back with you before you can blink."

Ooh she's cocky, that's okay. All Jinchuriki are to a point, hell I'm a prime example of that rule. The problem is, she doesn't realise just what she's up against. Deidara isn't just a powerful missing nin. He is a powerful Missing Nin that is part of an organization built specifically for hunting down Jinchuriki.

Oh, he dodged her, made it look easy... she definitely wasn't expecting it if the look on her face is anything to go by. With a sigh and as Deidara lets loose with a couple of clay spiders which, thanks to Itachi, I know are very unpleasant little things with a very unpleasant surprise etched into their fabric of matter, I vanish in a burst of blue, my arms wrapping around the snotty little Jinchuriki and vanishing in a puff of smoke. Reappearing in the Village square to the shock of everyone around us. There's my handy little reverse summoning trick, now etched into single use leaves that burn up after use. "You guys might want to evacuate." I pipe up, releasing the girl and turning towards a burst of chakra in the general direction of where we were. "Shit is about to get not so fun."

If they weren't inclined to believe me at my word, the near instant follow up explosion convinced them otherwise.

Probably.

* * *

Fuu, no last name, of the village Takigakure had been having a rather... average day. It wasn't spectacularly good, but neither was it absolutely terrible it was just... okay.

And really that suited the green haired, orange eyed teen quite well. In fact average was fantastic because it meant doing nothing, really. Especially in a village like Taki, a small population more comparable to a wandering clan or mercenary band than a fully functioning Hidden Village. But, as always, Murphy decided to piss all over her day.

Not that she realized just exactly how hard Murphy was pissing right away of course, oh no. That would have been too easy.

"Now, I have to say, that is the second strangest shade of hair I have ever seen." That voice had cut through her tranquility of average blah. An intruder in her quiet little seclusion high up in the great tree that shaded her village. "Of course, the pink haired one was kind of a bitch... I hope it wasn't because of the weird hair, I don't want you to be a bitch, you aren't a bitch are you?"

"That depends." She ground out, twitching but otherwise not paying the owner of the voice any mind, neither turning her eyes or her body towards him. "Are you going to keep bothering me with stupid bullshit?"

No reply, but he wasn't moving either... actually, wow. That was a shit tonne of chakra he was hefting around, and there was a little tinge of something else there too, something almost famili...

No fucking way. She tensed, hands arching towards the kunai pouch on her left thigh, and chakra snaking out and leeching at the chains that held down the terrifying Seven tailed Beetle.

"Ah." The boy intoned. "You zeroed in on fuzzy then?"

Fuzzy, that ruled out Demons One, Three, Six and Eight. "Quite the name for your demon Jinchuriki, care to tell me what number yo keep chained up?" She doubted he would answer.

He tilted his head, a wry smile on his face. "Seriously, you expect me to answer that Miss Seven?" Crap, he knew what demon she held? Oh what the hell, of course he knew. She was a Taki Jinchuriki, of course she was Seven. But that was enough, with a snap, she sent out a chakra tail made of the Nanabii's chakra to wrap around him and... it did. The boy made no motion to dodge, no tensing of muscles or even a crease of worry as concentrated demon chakra wrapped into him and scorched his skin.

She went to ask him something, she wasn't quite sure what, but he intterupted before she could articulate anything anyway. "Before you say anything, let me make you an offer you would be stupid to refuse. Come with me if you want to live."

* * *

Time to test just how I do I guess. Sister Seven is gobsmacked, not prepared for an S Ranker I guess, and why should she be? She's from Taki. The most dangerous thing they ever dealt with was Kakuzu the Heart Hunter. And that guy was dead.

Supposedly.

But that was another day. "Neh, Fuu... you might want to get ready."

"What, how do you...? No, hell with that, what the hell is going on here?" Hmm, demanding, assertive. I could grow to like this girl.

"Short version, because right now we have no time for anything else." She goes to demand more, but the booms and heat are getting closer and she backs down. Good, you realise there's a time and a place. We'll need that, oh how we'll need that.

But I'm getting way to far ahead of myself here.

"One, guy's name is Deidara, S rank Criminal from Iwa, candidate for Kage before he blew up an entire city block. Uses explosive clay constructs molded with hand mouths, which, let me tell you, squicks me right the fuck out." Oh no, don't look at me like I'm crazy. Itachi did that as well... how can you not be squicked out by hand mouths?  
"Two." Let us ignore that for now I guess. "Member of a group dedicated to hunting down and kidnapping the 9 Jinchuriki around the world. So, good news. He won't be trying to kill you. Bad news, he's going to be getting creative."

"Creative?"

"Just, keep in mind. He is a member of a group designed to tackle people of our unique situation. How good are you outside of your use of the demon?" Wait, she looks nervous. No, oh come on. I know Taki isn't exactly in the spotlight, but it's rulers really aren't that stupid, are they?

"I'm probably only Chunnin level without it..." Oh. So they are that stupid. Fuck, that makes things difficult.

"Alright then, hang back. Throw the occaisional Bijuudama if you can manage it but, for the love of God let me handle the direct combat."

"Hoh?" Well shit, he got here a little quicker than I expected. "You think you can take me kid? Ha, don't make me laugh!"

"You're one to talk, Kage candidate at 15 Deidara?" His eyes widen at that, oh. I'm sorry, did you expect to introduce yourself with some sort of Artistic Flair. Not today sunshine. "But maybe that was just because people keep expecting that old gnome of a kage that Iwa has right now to keel over at a moments notice. Tell me Deidara, you think you could take your Grandfather with any kind of success?"

"Hah! You think that old midget is anything to me?" That's right bitch, boast. Keep boasting and give Fuu time to vanish into the surroundings. "Step up to me you foul little heathen, and let me teach you a thing or two about what it means to be Kage level!"

"Well then, shall we dance Deidara of the Twin Scaled Blaze?"

I got my answer in the form of a flock of explosive birds zeroing in on me, eager to latch on a blow me into meat.

* * *

Saying their goodbyes, Mei sighed softly as Itachi burst into a flock of crows. _'Genjutsu as usual._' She smiled bitterly. '_It's as if you' don't want me to forget that I didn't even consider that was how you invaded my Village that first night.'_

Clutching a stack of letters in her hand, she turned back into her office, snapping the balcony doors closed behind her.

"Goodbye, Itachi Uchiha." She breathed, a stray tear running down her face. "It was a privilege."

* * *

**Terminator references? In my Naruto? What?**

**So was the skip well placed, or did I jump the shark with it a bit? Ah whatever, I got almost words out and, to be perfectly honest I prefer to get here now as opposed to later on, it just works better like that. So I think.**

**Read, review and critique. You know the drill.**

**Jordan Out.  
**


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